Things I’m not here for

Today I’m going to try snatch a few wigs, low key though because this is a professional platform where I want to exhibit at least a modicum of home training. You might say that I’m being shady, “subbing” people or I’m not being “real”. Listen. I’ve been a blogger for 5 + years and in that glorious time I’ve been witness to a lot of internet thuggery and instances where keeping it real has gone horribly wrong. I can confidently, hand on my heart say that the bougie coward in me is definitely not about that life. Let me sub you through a blog post so you know it’s real.

There are things people have done this week that have mildly infuriated my soul and have me rearranging my seating chart to place long time members in the second row and bring some of y’all to the front. Here are some of the things my grown woman status is not allowing me to accept. If you think I’m talking about you, ah welll…if the shoe fits, tie a double loop, lace them up tight and walk it out!

1. Men, feelings and communication

Look, I was mostly brought up around men. You know the kind, the ones who would rather grunt a sentence than speak using their vowels, adjectives and verbs. My brother is a special lovable breed of male that doesn’t go into touchy feely chats so growing up I learned that the less communicated the better. HOWEVER, gentlemen when you decide that you have feelings for a female and you actively pursue or engage that female in discourse that would make her think you give a damn, you sign yourself up to doing more than grunting at her or having her try to decipher your actions. You are not a mime. You are not Charlie Chaplin reincarnated. You have to use your words. You have to communicate or as they say in ebonics…conversate. I’m not expecting an Obama type spiel. I’m not sitting on the edge of my Nando’s seat waiting for you to deliver a soliloquy about your feelings while we share a half chicken and large peri peri chips. Nah. I’m asking you to clue me in when your feelings or lack thereof change. I like you. I don’t like you. I love you. I don’t love you. I’m mad at you. Whatever! Just tell me! Find Waldo and get a clue because I’m all out of nagging, sign language, telepathy, sending smoke signals and TRYING to have a one sided conversation.

2. Talkers, not doers.

I feel slightly hypocritical putting this down, but who gon check me boo? My reasoning is that I don’t do this often and when I do, I’m damn ashamed of myself. My friend told me about this great idea that she wanted to do and she wanted to get some friends involved. She reached out to a few people who STAY talking about what they are doing, want to do or about to do. Guess the result? Silence. The type that quickly pops up when a doer with a plan meets a talker with just a dream, a social media account, an audience to sell a dream to and a little too much time. Harsh? Maybe but oh so true. I didn’t get it. Great opportunity, great idea, minimal execution required on the participants account yet not even a shady reply email that could say, “If you love it, I like it but I just don’t see it for me and my brand. Thanks for the offer. xoxo”. Cute and shady. I resolved that I would be more responsive to opportunities like these if they were passed on to me and rebuke the procrastination that lives inside me. And if I didn’t want the chance, well that shady email reply is in my drafts, ready to send at a moment’s notice.

3. Free us from your “Him”

“He makes me happy”. “He gets me”. Can you @ him though? I love love, I really do. There is something glorious about seeing my friends ensconced with their main boo and radiating nothing but rainbows, unicorns and cherub babies. Let me catch that joy through osmosis or forward me the email chain that blessed your life. However boys and girls, it has become clear to me that some of you use “Him” or “He” never referring to said person or @ing them because you switch dudes up like underwear. Nothing wrong with the switching up but what has my knickers in a proverbial twist is this dream you are trying to sell via Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Youtube that your boo thang is more special than the last until he is no longer the boo thang. Then we see tweets about how you don’t need a man, quotes about independence and this → #NP Adele – Someone Like You. ((Hugs)) may your next “Him” work out!

Last but not least…

4. B.I.C aka Blue Ivy Carter hate

You’re mad at how Beyonce does her child’s hair? You think B.I.C is too big? You think B.I.C isn’t cute. It maybe because my uterus and ovaries are in “Give us a tenant” mode but I’m not here for baby slander. Of any kind. Listen. Below is a Gif to encompass my feelings.