Chaud: The Magazine

Yes you read the title right, it’s as overrated as Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange album, as hyped about as 50 Shades of Grey and it’s just like Amir Khan still saying he wants a piece of Floyd. I bet Andrea Dworkin is spinning in her grave that we are declaring being single as the most  overrated bull out there!And on that Andrea tip did she not hide her relationship claiming she was a lesbian and that her man was gay – yet the two were married? Absolutely not sure what this nugget of information has to do with the subject at hand but  hey if you didn’t know now you know n**** Anyway the above video was sent as a ‘suggestion’  and thus the inspiration of this post was born.

Being single has different stages:

Stage 1: This stage is where the love-child of Gotye ,Adele and Michael Kiwanuka resides – this stage usually happens in the immediate stages. Where sad love songs stage, the crying stage (if you’re a crier), the voodoo doll stage (if you’re into that sort of stuff). It is however not psychologically ideal to be in this stage for a very long time – no long is NOT relative, LONG is  releasing 2 albums – that is the epitome of stage 1 abused.

With most Stage 1 usually slowly and swiftly transcends into  Stage 2 where you are now playing Melanie Fiona, Keyshia Cole, Usher, Trey Songz, Coldplay and those of that ilk.  What happens in this stage? Well usually Hollywood has captured this in most of it’s ever so realistic rom-coms.  It can also be dubbed hang out with your friends and forget about the ex stage, the bashing the ex stage – now let it be know that some go straight into stage 2-  these are the fast bloomers – okay bloomers might not be the right diction for discussing the end of something but we really are not going to be pedantic about this now.  This Stage your friends also tell you how great it is to be single, you can date multiple people, you can start learning a new language, take up boxing, go fly fishing or just do what Jeff in the video did.

Stage 3 –  This goes by the ‘You’re single now what’ phase. You have definitely dwelt long enough in Stage 2 to get over anything, you’ve done self appraisals, noted what needs to be sorted out within self and be true to yourself. You’ve loved your own company, gone to Cine Lumiere enough times  and so this stage is beyond the self discovery stage because hopefully that also happened during the transition from stage 2 to Stage 3. This is where you realise that all those who were telling how great it is being single are actually not single or were themselves in the process of escaping Stage 3.  This stage has let us to the subject above for the following reasons:

1. Plus One Factor

If you get to be blessed enough to work with all paired up folks who are actually pretty cool but also tend to cross that little demarcation of strictly colleagues to cool colleagues then you find yourself saying ‘This sh** stinks’. These  folks like the odd work/social life hanging out and they always Plus One these events. Now its actually very very sweet and admirable FOR THEM but should you get caught on the single side of the team – you can only invite your friend(s) to so much events before they even start suggesting their random friends for you to partner up with.  Now there’s talks of an office ‘quiz team’ really people?!?

Now this factor also comes into play when watching tv shows/ some-one to send those YouTube videos – sure is good to just go ‘Yo you watch Gordon in Brixton prison?’ or ‘Have you seen Raj having a relationship with Siri? Told you Siri was cheating on you’ (now if you don’t know who Raj is and why he was having a relationship with Siri – I suggest you enrich your life with a little Big Bang Theory forthwith).

2. IKEA 

Not the store itself  but being true to being a Southern African we are using a store/brand name as a generic name for all things related to self assembly. What fun is there in putting a bathroom shelf together being left with so many screws and no-one to actually laugh at you for being Nick Knowles at his worst? Yes yes Ikea offers classes  but it’s actually much more fun putting it together with someone and your feminine role being to pass the wrong screws, inform them that their doing it all wrong and reading out instructions in a very Home Improvement-esque voice.

Reaching on the top shelf and having to use a chair and then two pillows and still manage to fall = being single is some overrated *bleep*

Now a little part of me that wants to really say ‘why them dogs on the bed though’ but hey they could be poodles or them fancy teacups. When I have a dog it has to be a dog where if it goes to the park other dogs will say ‘Wassup big dawg’ heck, I want the dog to take me for a walk! A dog ain’t a dog unless its a German Shepherd and one that sings is just a bonus!

3. Oxytocin Release

Need I say more here? Other than that in reality it should be number one but because a certain writer’s brothers read this and she would prefer they think that she values other things more than just sheer oxytocin release. It sure is a sad world having to listen to Gerald Levert’s G-Spot (then ending of the song) or even a Trick Daddy song and laugh at yourself for living vicariously through music…nah son that just is wrong insert *Kevin Hart hand clap* We understand that there are those on the Meagan Good journey (talk of life imitating art or is it vice versa in this situation she withheld the ‘cookie’ in Think Like A Man and also was celibate with her now husband) we won’t judge those people at all whatever rocks their boat but some people do enjoy some other forms of tension release and those are the ones we are nodding their heads in agreement! And ladies clinging to your ‘toys’ or reading 50 Shades and highlighting certain phrases or watching Magic Mike more than once is a sure indication you agree with us and please be warned that this could see you stuck in Stage 1.1. of a break-up.

We hope you’ll share with us your funny situations where you go or went this sh*t stinks lemons of course being single is NOT bad but let’s call a spade a spade when a spade is a spade when we are faced with a spadey situation – ok this now has lost meaning..but yeah share your stinky moments!