Chaud: The Magazine

After reading a post on VerySmartBrothas (these are the coolest brothas around, funny, witty, smart…COOL), we decided to have our take on ‘celebrity love’ and our resident contributor @MsKkj did justice when she penned  this article, just read on….

Ah yes love. Isn’t it great when you have it and when you are enveloped by it’s warm, protective and crazy ass embrace. I caught you off guard there huh? Now you are wondering what I mean by love being crazy. In the regular world, where you and I live, love isn’t crazy per se, it’s dysfunctional. I.e Deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad, this is to be differentiated from crazy. I.e senseless;impractical; totally unsound: Some celebrities and their love relationships are for the most part crazy. I have examples. Rihanna, Chirs Brown and Karra… wait a second. Ok I’m back I had to google her name, Karraeuche. Chad Ochocinco Johnson and Evelyn Lozada. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. Ray J and Whitney. We view their relationships and realise; (to quote Evelyn Lozada of Basketbal Wives Miami fame), “You are not about this life”. 

Celebrities always manage to make their dysfunctional…sorry crazy relationships look like an “awww they so crazy but cute” hall mark moment. Meanwhile in our own lives we do not attempt to condone that dysfunction in our lives. There would be no “he/she is crazy but they love her/him” tweets or facebook updates. Yet for some reason, regular people seem to encourage and indulge these celebrities and their crazy relationships. Celebrity lifestyles although admired and envied from afar should never be re-enacted in real life. You may attempt to have a Kim Porter and Mimi Faust while maintaing a Joseline Hernandez or a Cassie as a side chick but instead of appearing on a hit reality tv show, your family will be discussing whether cremation or plot burial would be best for you.

This article will hopefully make you realise that on a scale of One to Ochocinco “You are NOT about this life”.

The Love Triangle

Everybody is very aware of love triangles. If I were to be honest, I’ve been in one. I’m not going to put my business all out there and tell you what part I played but just know in my errant youth, i made mistakes.

When Robyn Rihanna Fenty went on national TV and told Aunty Oprah that she still loved Chris Brown, that they were still in close communications and that was her homie for life, I really wished that we could split screen Rhi Rhi and Kumbaya’s face. Sorry Karraeuche’s face while she sang Kumbaya at  THAT revelation. I don’t know about you but I know that in my world if an ex girlfriend proclaimed her continuing and never waning love, I would hear about the boyfriend a)coming up missing b) moving his stuff while his current girl is blasting Erykah Badu’s “Call Tyrone. Yet if you click on to Chris Brown’s girlfriends twitter  timeline after the interview, there was scarce mention of it. I was stunned. I realised then that I was clearly not about the celebrity life.

Scale of one to Ochocinco not being about THAT life- 7. You can be a supportive girlfriend but being a mug is not right.

The Co-dependent Lover

I used to have this boyfriend who I felt that I couldn’t live without. I was in my twenties and delusional. I also did not know what love was. It happens. Once maybe twice. Three times and it’s a pattern.

What do the names Ray J, Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries and Kanye West mean to you? If you instantly thought of Kim Kardashian, I’ve somewhat proved my point. If the only relevance your name can garner is when it’s attached to a man… what sort of life are you living? I get wanting to be in love and wanting to have someone there for you. However, *pulls out a seat* Kim dear, there is such a thing as taking your time and calming the hell down!

Kim Kardashian went from an embarrassing home video to a a long engagement to a short engagement to a quick new love in what seems to me a very short amount of time. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that se gets over relationships quicker than I and any of my other friends. Let’s be honest though. You have that one friend who could benefit from taking some time to spend getting to know herself and her needs before delving into a new relationship but when she’s left alone for 10mins you find she has a new boo.

Do you tweet or facebook her and say “awwww you guys are really cute together”, every time she has a new man or  do you say the supportive but pointed  ” I support you in whatever decision you make but please cosider your life choices”.

On a scale of one to Ochocinco and NOT being about hat life – 8.5 Learn to love yourself while you are divorcing your ex, if your new boo is your true love, he will wait it out.

The Self Sabotage/Mutual Destruction Relationship

I really wanted Evelyn and Chad to win. They are the inspiration for this entire article. I wasn’t raising an eyebrow when they found love via twitter. I’ve been there. Oh. You gonna judge me? Whatever. -__-. Then Evelyn is watched by a large audience seemingly condoning Chad’s future propensity to cheat. In one of the episodes of Basketball Wives, Chad and Evelyn were having an open and honest discussion about his lifestyle as a pro football player and the likelihood of him cheating. Evelyn tells him (paraphrase) that if he thinks he is going to cheat, he should make sure he is a condom and then tell her because she could respect honesty and safe sex. What is it they say about speaking into existence certain things in your life? Well cue a few weeks after their wedding and allegedly Evelyn finds a pack of condoms in the car, she confronts Chad and he headbutts her. Rightly, Evelyn calls the police immediately and distances herself from Chad and files divorce papers; refusing to give him a second chance.

In our lives (regular people) that discussion would likely not be a possibility. Why? We always think a player can change for the right woman. Therefore we wouldn’t give the regular guy a chance to think that he could cheat as long as he was honest.

On Chad’s own scale of one to Ochocinco how NOT about that life is he? 10. After all the above shenanigans Chad decided that tattooing Evelyns face on his leg was a good move. In my world that’s when I request a new name and a South American passport.

What have we learned today? Celebrity lives are fascinating. They keep us glued to tv shows and make us buy tabloid magazines to read while we get our hair braided. However they are not the life we can live. There is so much at stake, endorsements, brands and your public profile to consider. I don’t know about you but if I was going to be in any of these situations I would not want too many scrutinizing my life choices nor would I think to encourage or support any of these celebrities in their situations because at the end of the day, how much do YOU know about what happened? How much is PR spin? Next time you tweet Chad Johnson or Chris Brown telling them that you think they are fantastic human beings, ask yourself if your sister was Evelyn or Rihanna what would you say?

You can follow Mukuka on Twitter @MsKkj 

ImageCredits: VerySmartBrothas, GossipExtra, GoogleImages